


Blind Boy

by kittykitty410 (orphan_account)



Category: Bandom
Genre: Angst, Blind!Ryan, Comedy, Drama, Fluff, M/M, Past Child Abuse, You might cry, both are quite annoying, excessive use of words that aren't Brendon's name, it's a lot of flashbacks and realtime switches have fun keeping up with that, lots of blind jokes, you might laugh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-15 23:19:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 14,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7242928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/kittykitty410
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon was blind. No, not literally. He was oblivious. Very, very oblivious.<br/>He was unaware of his own feelings, to his family, to his best friend who's constant, beaming love he also glanced past without a second thought...<br/>On the other hand, Ryan was just flat out blind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was supposed to turn this in for the Bandom Big Bang but I couldn't get the minimum word count in time, so I decided I'm going to post it on here on my own time.  
> Big thanks to my beta @staygaytabulous on here, accepting this challenge at about 1 am yesterday. Alx is amazing ahh,,,  
> Also, thanks to my pal Nav (@corkybden on twitter) who thinks this is going to be the new THROAM, lol.

“You little shit, you know I’m blind. Don’t try to text me.”

        “How did you know it was me?” Brendon laughed at Ryan, having heard that too many times. “I downloaded the Autospeak for a reason, dumbass.”

        “And I deleted it for a reason!” Ryan sighed, putting his phone on speaker and setting it down, “It sounds like a demon. It actually says ‘lawl’ instead of spelling it out, and I’m not having that in my house.”

        Brendon laughs again but tells him, “I messaged you to see about going to the park. You have a perfectly valid reason for hitting children with your cane and pleading accident.”

        Ryan shrugged and pulled on a jacket before grabbing his phone back, leaning on the wall to put on his shoes. With the phone held between shoulder and ear, he finally sighs and says, “Listen up, Breadbowl, I love you, but I’m in _college._ I actually have shit to do.

        Brendon huffed, ready to whine about being lonely when Ryan spoke again.

        “We can move those plans to tomorrow, though, if you don’t mind?”

        Brendon smiled. “This is why you’re my best friend.”

        Ryan collapsed on his bed for a few minutes, gathering his thoughts. How stupid. He had an exam tomorrow.

 

-

 

        “Breb? Where ya at?” Ryan felt an arm tighten on him and was just about to pull away when Brendon spoke.

        “Right here, asshole. Haven’t your senses heightened? Can’t tell your best friend’s footsteps from everyone else’s?” Brendon tried but failed to keep a straight face, reaching up to grab Ryan’s phone from his hand.

        “Sorry I was late, I forgot I had an exam,” Ryan sighed, moving his free hand slightly to the side, waiting for Brendon to grab it.

        Brendon laughed again. “I’m sorry, how the hell does that work? Do you take the test in braille?”

        “I’m not deaf, you fucker.”

        He snorted at this. “Oh, fuck off, I was just wondering.” Brendon started to walk, dragging the other along with him. “Swings or monkey bars first?”

        “Swings?” Ryan shrugged, and Brendon ran along, pushing many children down along the way. When he reached them, he guided Ryan to an open one and helped him sit down.

        “I don’t need help with everything!” Ryan sneered, “I can sit down by myself, thank you very much.”

        Brendon let go of his hand, watching as Ryan promptly fell on his ass. He snickered as Ryan struggled to find the chains and pull himself up.

        “Actually? I take that back. Please help me.” Ryan held his hands out so that Brendon could get Ryan on the swing.

 

-

 

        Ryan laid there, staring blankly at nothing. It was all nothing when you couldn’t see. It wasn’t particularly bad – he could _feel_ colors at this point. His favorite was what Brendon called purple. It was always cold, no matter what lighting it was in. Red, though? Too hot. Ryan despised it. That’s why he liked black, why he liked nothingness and the winter.

        He wasn’t always blind, though, but it was long enough to forget what his best friend looked like or what his favorite painting’s focal point was.

        Ryan was never going to tell Brendon it was his fault, though. Not for the life of him.

 

-

 

        Brendon watched his friend get in the air pretty high up before sitting down on the swing next to him, and he really wondered if Ryan ever missed seeing the sky.

        He kicked his legs up, getting a slow start. “One hour on here, and then we transfer over to the monkey bars and push all the small children off to claim ourselves as the kings?”

        Ryan sighed, shaking his head. “Where do you get these ideas from? Satan?” He laughed, though, continuing on, “Tell him that what happened that night was definitely my fault and I deserve my place on the throne.” He kicked up in the air, gaining height and speed. “Hey, you have any cigarettes on you?”

        “Yeah, give me a sec,” Brendon reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a pack and a lighter. He flicked the carton open, finding one left. “Okay, unless you want to battle it out, we’re gonna have to share this one.” Ryan just shrugged, leaving it to Brendon to light it up and take the first drag.

        Ryan slowed a bit, reaching out for Brendon to hand him the cig (hopefully without getting burned). He took a long drag before handing it back. “You know, Breakfast, if you don’t stop smoking you might die.”

        “Fuckin’ hypocrite,” Brendon laughed, mostly at the new name.

        Neither of them tried to swing any as they finished off the cigarette, nor did they speak. It was a barrier bound to be broken at some point, though. Brendon felt comfortable in the silence, but Ryan despised it.

        To Ryan, it was worse than the color red. He couldn’t tell anything from silence, and it only made him more aware of himself. He was drawn to Brendon in a way because of that – Brendon was loud, talkative, and borderline annoying. When he was quiet, it scared Ryan.

        Ryan kept to music instead of his thoughts.

        Brendon stubbed out the cigarette with the toe of his shoe, stealing a glance at the monkey bars on the other side of the park. “Hey, want to switch now?”

        Ryan nodded and let Brendon drag him through the park, slower this time, his cane handy in front of him. Sunglasses weren’t exactly the best way to get people to move, so it was more of a “just in case” thing for Ryan when it came to bumping into people.


	2. Chapter 2

Kids do stupid things.

Brendon threw rocks at people. That one kid Pete would collect a single flower from each yard and present it to his school teacher every Monday for three years in a row. Brent would pee himself and blame it on others. Ryan would get drunk from the cans his father left lying around.

Correction: Kids _did_ stupid things.

Brendon only throws pebbles at Ryan’s window now to get his attention, and nobody's exactly sure where that teacher went or how Pete got a girlfriend after that. Brent, well, just stopped pissing his pants. For the most part.

Ryan, though-

Ryan kept getting drunk.

At first, it was his dad’s fault. He left the cans lying around and didn’t yell when Ryan would go to finish them. Then it was his mom’s fault for not getting out of the house when his father started to beat him. It was Ryan’s fault, though, when he really thought about himself for the first time after going blind.

He knew his father was right about being useless with one less sense and one more problem, but he didn’t exactly realize the cosmetic consequences that came with being blind until his dad hit him for having “the Raven’s eye”.

He had to actually face these consequences when Brendon suggest he buy some sunglasses. They were only seven – no one should have cared. But, when Ryan walked in with cloudy eyes and no vision after being gone for a year, he should have at least expected the screaming.

-

“Brethren, I feel the blood flowing into my eyes at maximum velocity. Do you think this’ll make me see?” Ryan hung upside down from the monkey bars, his legs being the perfect length to hook his feet around another bar as not to fall. He laughed gently before going to pull himself into a sitting position atop the bars, saying, “That’s actually one of the methods they used. Put more blood in there, make everything less fucked up. Obviously didn’t work.” He motioned to his eyes in a flourishing gesture, making the situation seem more jokingly.

“Dammit, Ryan! There’s kids here, don’t fucking curse!” This outburst sent both of them spiraling into laughter, and Ryan nearly off the edge. Brendon grabbed him just in time, though, screaming at the top of his lungs. “Jesus _fuck_ that’s like the tenth time in three days you’ve almost died, oh my god! We should probably get you home, yeah?”

Ryan shook his head as Brendon jumped down. “No! I can handle myself!”

“Boy, you best _get your ass down here_ before I _pull_ you down!” Brendon reached up and grabbed Ryan’s hand just as he pulled it away.

“No, fuck you. I can see my house from up here,” Ryan chuckled, hoping Brendon would calm down. He heard Brendon intake a sharp breath, sputtering out an excuse for his laughter. “Like I thought. Come on, big boy, it’s not too bad. I’ve lived for ten years not being able to see, I think I can survive one day at the park. I finished my exam early for this.”

Brendon sighed, finally giving up.

“I’m coming down,” Ryan hooked his legs under the bars again, getting his torso off first, and coming face-to-face with Brendon. “Mary Jane?” He laughed at his joke before continuing his mission.

“That’s really not safe, Ry-“

He fell to the dirt, cane wrapped around his wrist and shirt riding up. “Fuck you,” Ryan smiled with his words, reaching out to grab Brendon’s hand. “What are you, my mom? Listen, I know _Danielle_ wasn’t the best, but that doesn’t mean you have to take over for her, and I’m in college! I’m not dead, can you believe it?”

Brendon laughed, just letting Ryan go on about whatever. It was how most of their conversations went unless Brendon was high, really. Ryan babbling about Brendon caring too much and Brendon just listening, throwing in a few interjections here and there so Ryan knew he was paying attention.

“You know I love you, yeah? You’ve done more for me than anyone, really.” He didn’t mention the fact that Brendon brought it upon himself, no. That’d be going too far. “You’re my best friend.”

Brendon turned to look at him, not really knowing what to say.

“Oh, thanks, good to see it’s mutual. Stop staring at me, I can feel it.” Ryan visibly cringed. He absolutely despised that feeling – it was the one he experienced the most, and that just made it worse for him. It was like red and black tried to mix and become something beautiful. It just created an ugly color with no shade, and Ryan hated it. “So, your house? I haven’t seen your mom in a while. Ten years, actually, but I haven’t talked to her since I moved to college.”

Brendon nodded at first before realizing his mistake and saying, “Yeah, sure. I’m sure she’ll be overjoyed to talk to you again. She’s really missed you.”

Ryan smiled at Brendon and continued to let him lead the way.

 

-

When Ryan looked back on it, he realized it wasn’t his greatest idea. It was just one party, and Ryan thought he found the one person who didn’t care he was blind. Brendon didn’t mind, of course, but he was just so obviously straight. No, so Ryan was just going to have to find the first person he could and get with them.

Ryan was blind, though, and had no idea who he was asking. It was _him_ , it was Brendon. He didn’t mean to ask him, though. The music was too loud and warped his voice, and he was just _high as hell_.

So, that one night, Ryan just happened to accidentally ask his best friend for a blowjob. So, that one night, Ryan just happened to accidentally come out to his best friend. So, for the rest of the week, things were pretty fucking awkward between the two.

 

-

 

When he walked in, Grace immediately threw her arms around the boy, causing both he and Brendon to stumble slightly. “My boy! How are you?”

Ryan let go of Brendon’s hand before reciprocating the hug, sighing. “I’d say I’m doing well, but I still have this little vision problem. You know, not that big of a deal.”

The two laughed at this, but Brendon rolled his eyes. “Ryan, do you have to say that every time?” Grace just hit him lightly on the arm before turning her attention back to Ryan.

“Grades, then? Brendon said you were taking your exams already.”

Ryan shrugged, “I’m doing pretty well. I had another to take today, but that was an easy one. Creative writing may very well be my calling.” He chuckled at his last sentence, knowing very well that he wouldn’t use what he learned.

The two kept going back and forth, just catching up, as Brendon slowly made his way to his room.

-

Brendon remembered the night better than his own seventeenth birthday, if that showed where his priorities laid. It was always at the back of his mind; it was something he had no control over.

If he’d have said no, Ryan would have noticed something suspicious. But, because it was him, he just had to say yes.

Brendon had no self-control at that point. He was about as high as if he had drank a cup of tea, so he had the ability to say no – he just… couldn’t. And it bothered him. He was straight. He knew that from experience.

And Brendon thought about it for nearly a year before he realized that he just couldn’t let Ryan down. Not after what he had been through, no. A single act against his own sexuality wouldn’t kill him.

-

It was about an hour later that Grace had finally called Brendon out to take Ryan home. He could make it on his own, and they both knew that, but it was just a precaution they always had in place.

They said their goodbyes, and Grace watched as the two walked hand in hand out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did it get awkward in here or is it just me?


	3. Chapter 3

Ryan couldn’t believe it. He just couldn’t fucking believe it.

He passed the exam with flying colors, getting a perfect score. At first he thought it was just out of sympathy, then he realized that the professor was the meanest there – and _holy shit the meanest teacher just gave Ryan a perfect score on an exam._

The grammar and spelling were perfect, and his analyzation was exactly what the professor was looking for. His original story, even, got wonderful comments. This exam was what would get Ryan to graduate as an English major up to two years early.

So, like any adult male would do, he called his best friend to invite him over as a celebration.

-

Ryan wasn’t sure if he hated parties or his parents more. Brendon loved parties, and he loved his parents. Well, he loved parties Ryan wasn’t at.

It wasn’t because of the incident, no; Brendon just didn’t want to lead him around all night.

Sure, Ryan knew what was good and what was bad, but that didn’t mean it would deter him from doing what he wanted. No one could deny the blind kid some free weed, especially if they hadn’t met him before. One of the perks of being blind was free drugs, apparently, but Ryan just went with it. Brendon always knew who had the good stuff, even though he didn’t smoke, so that was a bonus.

Tonight wasn’t going to be a party, though. Just he and Brendon sitting on the dorm’s couch eating pizza and smoking (cigarettes, in Brendon’s case) while he told Ryan what was happening on the screen.

“I’m not getting over the fact you own all five Twilight movies,” Ryan commented as Brendon explained the way Jacob turned into a werewolf.

Brendon hit him on the arm jokingly, laughing, “You bought them for my mom in eleventh grade, you idiot.” He chuckled as Ryan let out a sigh, remembering.

“Goddamn, I’m still surprised she didn’t get you into them, too. She read those books quicker than I could finish one audiobook. She has supersonic reading speed, I swear,” Ryan laughed this time, trying to imagine Brendon as a Twilight fan. “Please, if you ever become so obsessed with something, make sure it’s actually good. Like The Beatles, maybe?”

Brendon snorted, having his own little flashback of a sixth grade conversation. He smiled, reaching to sling his arm over Ryan. “Do you still wish John Lennon were your dad?”

Ryan scoffed, “Do I? He’s perfect. He’d be ten times better than _George_. My dad, not the Beatle. Plus, he’s pretty damn hot,” He chuckled. “Not that I would know, but by popular vote.”

“Ryan?”

Ryan makes a ‘hmm?’ sound.

“It sounds less like you want him to be your dad, and more your _daddy_.”

Brendon laughed as Ryan sputtered and threw a pillow at him, missing by a considerably large distance. He grabbed it off of the floor to throw it back at Ryan, only for him to come back up to a pillow being smashed in his face.

Ryan laughed victoriously as Brendon fake struggled, crying ‘mercy’ and reaching his hands to the sky. “I’ve got you now, fucker!”

The younger clawed himself free of the pillow, which resulted in him getting revenge on Ryan by climbing on top of him and stuffing the pillow in Ryan’s face. It was no surprise Ryan couldn’t move. Brendon wasn’t fat, it was just that Ryan was a twig compared to everyone he met.

Ryan flailed around a bit before finally accepting his fate. He sighed, trying to lean up and push Brendon off. He huffed a large gasp of air, catching his breath, before bursting out in laughter and collapsing again, Brendon falling with him.

They were face-to-face at this point, but Ryan couldn’t lose. No, he wouldn’t. When he calmed down, though, Brendon smiled and kissed his forehead before jumping off of Ryan, yelling to him, “Getting more popcorn!” as he stumbled out of the hall, his breath still laced with laughter and Ryan’s face red.

-

Ryan remembered his fifteenth birthday very vividly because of Brendon and his stupid decisions. The asshole gave him a book. An excellent use of apostrophe in Ryan’s opinion – giving a blind kind a book, like giving a deaf man an iPod.

Brendon picked it up, flipping through the pages. It was a photo album filled with pictures of the two. He landed on a certain page – one of the two boys a year before Ryan lost his vision – and spoke softly, like he was reminiscing. “I have so many pictures.”

After a few moments of silence, Ryan rose his eyebrow in confusion.

“For when you get your vision,” Brendon sighed. “Because you will.”

-

Ryan hated his stupid dorm. It was like an apartment, more than anything. It was too large for one person. It was too large and too lonely without Brendon and he hated it.

It had two bedrooms, for God’s sake, but only one person living in it. No one wanted to room with the blind kid, except, of course, Brendon, but Brendon wasn’t going to go to college.

Ryan didn’t have a problem with that, no, but it would have been better with a single bedroom since he was living alone. More space meant more things to bump into. Luckily, he was getting better without his cane. The microwave was a bit hard to understand, and he was never sure if he left the stove on or not. The RA got on his ass more than once for it.

But Ryan also locked himself out of the dorm far too many times for his liking, and the evening after meeting Grace he somehow did it again. Ryan was aggravated as hell, but Brendon was patient throughout the whole thing.

“I was in such a hurry this morning, god _dammit!_ ” Ryan slammed his fist against the wall as Brendon paced in front of his door, hoping for a solution. He suggested calling the RA, but Ryan immediately shook it off, making a comment about him being “drunk off of his ass half of the time” and that he would probably just laugh at him.

“I know how to pick a lock!” Ryan gasped, shocked at the confession. “My dad was a Mormon, dumbass. I’m a teenager. I had to find ways in and out.” He just shrugged and grabbed his own keychain, digging around until he found something that would fit in the keyhole.

Ryan sat and listen to the jingling of the keys and the jiggling of the doorknob, nearly giving up as he heard Brendon push the door open.

Brendon just smiled to himself as Ryan’s face lit up. “You need to teach me how to do that, holy shit!” The two walked in, Ryan going through the process of taking off his jacket and shoes, but Brendon just hopped on the couch. Ryan sneered at him, “Learn some manners.”

Ryan practically felt Brendon flipping him off, but he just laughed and rolled his eyes before walking into the kitchen.

He grabbed a glass of water, leaving Brendon to fend for himself. “Does your mother want you home?”

Brendon shrugged and grabbed Ryan’s glass from him, downing half of it. “Probably. Wanna play Guitar Hero?” He stood up and turned on the TV, going through the whole setup without letting Ryan answer.

Ryan spoke while it loaded, pitying himself, saying, “You know I keep this here just for you? Can’t even sing for shit.” He hung his head low and continued, “I can’t play any video games, dumbass. I just keep buying them for you because I know it can be boring without me being able to really do anything.”

Brendon sighed, turning away from the television to face Ryan. “What did you do with Ryan? He never pitied himself.” Nevertheless, he frowned and sat down next to the other, pulling him into a hug. “You can play guitar, which is pretty damn cool. It’s really damn impressive, actually. Don’t be worried about your voice, either.” He ruffled Ryan’s hair and stood up, grabbing the guitar.

“Stop right there, mister, my ego is inflated enough,” Ryan laughed as Brendon tossed him the microphone.

The two just smiled to themselves, waiting for the familiar tune of ‘Jukebox Hero’ to filter through the TV’s speakers.

-

Ryan knew Brendon knew, and Brendon knew Ryan thought he was entirely bonkers. Ryan didn’t want to talk to his parents, and he was glad he didn’t legally have to. Brendon, on the other hand, cared only about that.

Brendon remembered the night his dad died. He remembered where it was and what street it was – he remembered the time of the crash and the time of death. It didn’t bother him that his dad was dead, though. It just made him appreciate his mother more.

What made Ryan think he was insane, though, was the fact that Brendon got a job just to pay his father’s phone bill every month so he could call and listen to the custom voicemail as much as possible. Ryan never understood that, and he hated it.

The two were very similar in the way they loved, though. Both obsessed over the person. Brendon called his dead father’s number, knowing he wouldn’t answer, and Ryan kept Brendon right next to him at all times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, the next chapter is a very short one. It's more of a filler chapter (but there is SOME reason to it later on). It just doesn't fit exactly, like the rest of the story.


	4. Chapter 4

Brendon finally walked home at what was probably  _ way _ too fucking late, but neither of them really cared. It was fun. Like always, though, Ryan missed him as soon as he walked out the door.

The older carried out his regular evening routine before finally collapsing in his bed, wishing he could go one night without a nightmare. He wished he could see Brendon again.

His dreams were far less visual than they were when the accident had only just happened. They relied on the other senses, like smell and sound. Ryan’s least favorite was when there was taste involved, and when he got lost.

Brendon was in every single one of those dreams at that point. He was always Ryan’s savior; he was Ryan’s knight in shining armor. It was almost like real life.

Wet dreams were on a totally different spectrum for him, though. He couldn’t imagine the partner’s face or body, only the way they felt and the way their skin tasted. Masturbation was just plain uncomfortable to him, consciously being unconscious of your surroundings.

But in those dreams, Brendon always felt soft, and he always tasted like cherry vanilla.

-

_The little fucker skipped school_ , was Ryan’s first thought when Brendon just showed up in his dorm the next day. He clicked his phone on to read the time to him only to realize, _No,_ I _skipped school._

He groaned loudly, “Fuck me!”

Brendon just laughed from the kitchen, exclaiming to him, “You already fucked yourself last night, no need to get me involved, too,” and went back to doing his thing.

Ryan gasped loudly, nearly screaming, “What the _fuck?!_ ” He shot up, reaching for the comforter at his feet to cover himself. “Oh my god, Brendon, what the fuck?”

Brendon laughed as he watched Ryan scramble around, nearly crying when Ryan hit his leg on the end table and fell over in pain. He grabbed a cup from the dish strainer and filled it with water before walking over to him, helping the other up. He waited until Ryan seemed more comfortable and less pained before he left the room.

“I’ll wash your sheets and shit, don’t worry about it,” Brendon said.

Ryan groaned, “Did I leave my dick out this time?” Both of them cringed, but laughed at the memory.

“No, thank god,” he laughed. “That was so awkward. I don’t want to know what your dick looks like, but now I’m forced to know.” Brendon shook his head free of the memory, changing the subject quickly. “I made you something to eat, so whenever you’re… _decent_ , you can go ahead. I gotta go, though. Told mom I was just bringing you some food, not that I was staying forever.”

Ryan sighed, “Well, thanks for it, anyway.” He stood up again, walking out to the kitchen, and waited for Brendon to hug him. Much to his surprise, though, Brendon just kissed his forehead and ruffled his hair before leaving.

“Don’t want any of your _fluids_ on me, buddy boy,” he laughed, walking out the front door. “See ya!”

Ryan weakly waved back at him and waited until the door shut to eat his food before showering. Damn him if he were to let it get cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen I was uncomfortable. You're probably uncomfortable. It's mentioned later.


	5. Chapter 5

Neither of them remembered exactly how Ryan’s first day out went, but they remembered the bathtub incident that happened about 5 years later.

The doctors had really thought they could fix Ryan this time. They almost had it, really. The nurse just made a small mistake of giving him too much pain medicine. He already couldn’t feel his eyes – there was no need for the damn medication, really, but she did it anyway, and she gave him too much.

After they realized they couldn’t operate due to the amount of stress Ryan was under, they just sent him back home with some pills ‘in case he started to hurt’. He was high enough as-is, why did they give him the extra meds?

Brendon remembered walking into their shared bathroom, nearly screaming when he saw his best friend curled up in the tub with clothes on and water splashing over. He acted quickly, though, opening the drain and grabbing some towels for Ryan.

“Holy _shit_ , Ryan! What’s going on?” Brendon asked. He didn’t expect an answer, so he was really shocked when Ryan just started to laugh.

“That’s the first time you’ve cursed, B. Mama’s gonna kill you!” He sing-songed, ignoring his friend’s worried look, before he started choking. Brendon sighed, having thought that Ryan was going to calm down, but he started crying instead.

Brendon launched himself at Ryan to hug him. He immediately started to shush him, hoping that it would make him feel better, but Ryan just started crying harder.

“Why did it have to be me, Brendon?” Ryan sobbed, clutching onto Brendon like the other was his life-force. “Why me, the kid with no parents?” Brendon inhaled sharply, about to argue, but Ryan yelled, “They haven’t been here in years! _Years,_ Brendon! Your mom is more of a mother than mine ever has been. I live _alone_ , Brendon.”

Brendon sighed, no able to argue. He just sat there, rubbing Ryan’s back, rocking the two of them side to side.

-

To celebrate Brendon’s last official day of high school, the two celebrated like they did when Ryan passed his final. This time, though, they met up at the mall beforehand.

Ryan was good friends with the people at the record shop, which he was sure to appreciate and take advantage of whenever he went. Brendon hated when he did it, but Ryan was just happy to get his albums for free. He couldn’t see the covers, but he could always appreciate the music.

Ryan, he wanted to call this a date. He didn’t have the money to, but he paid for everything Brendon wanted. He really just used his parents’ card, since they never specifically told him not to. Ryan wanted to call this a date, because that’s what usually happened on dates, right? Brendon just called it a graduation gift.

They were about to leave when Ryan received a call. It didn’t have a certain ringtone, so he just assumed it was a blocked call. Brendon checked it for him, though, and both were surprised the area code was the same as their own. Ryan just nodded, wordlessly telling him to answer it.

Brendon coughed and pushed the green button, holding it up to his ear. “Hello?” He looked at Ryan, making affirmative noises into the phone before he put it down. “They need to talk to you.”

Ryan nodded and reached out his hand to grab it, repeating what Brendon did. They slowed down pace a little bit before Brendon finally grabbed his hand and led him toward a bench. The two sat down, waiting a minute before Ryan nodded and said, “Okay, good. Thank you,” and hung up.

“They finally fucking died.”

-

“How do you masturbate?” Brendon laughed, taking another sip of his tequila sunrise.

Ryan shuddered, leaning more into his friend’s side. “I don’t,” he shook his head. “At all. Not consciously, at least. It’s uncomfortable. I can’t visualize anyone, so it’s, like, I don’t know?” He sighed.

“Just think about someone’s voice. You haven’t quite lost your sense of hearing,” Brendon pointed out. “Plus, it’s a good chance to see if you’re a kinky motherfucker or what.”

Ryan sputtered, and Brendon laughed. “What? You’d probably be kinky. Probably a masochist. No- sadist.” Brendon smiled, and Ryan finally started to laugh along. He leaned in closer to Ryan, “You actually got something like that? My bet’s a daddy kink.”

Ryan doubled over in laughter, “If anyone here has a daddy kink, it's you.” He sighed, taking a minute to compose himself. “Real talk, what do you think would have happened if I became deaf instead of blind? How much change would there be?”

“You’d be able to see my beautiful face, but you wouldn’t be able to hear my moans of pleasure-” Brendon groaned, laughing when Ryan blushed and hit him. “Hey! You almost took out my dick, holy shit, Ryan!”

They laughed to the point of tears, realized Ryan had an essay due, and woke up with hangovers the next day...

-

Ryan had waited years for the two to get punished for leaving their blind son alone, and it came in the form of a double murder in a Walmart ( _classic Florida_ , Ryan thought bitterly). He’d rather it have been of their own accord, but they were gone. He didn’t cry – in fact, he laughed – but Brendon forced him to go home and “mourn” over it. Brendon stayed the night with him that night, sleeping in the bed with Ryan instead of on the floor like usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Classic Florida!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the start of something kinda sad here.

“You know I really love you, right?” Ryan hummed, just nodding into Brendon’s chest. “You’re practically my older brother, but I’m your mom in most ways.”

Ryan shook his head. “You’re nothing like my mom,” he breathed out a sigh. “What you said is part of my problem. I love you. I really do. And I don’t think it’s in the brotherly way anymore.”

“Is that why you pulled that stunt yesterday, Ryan? Because you love me in a way different than before?” Brendon gently pulled at Ryan’s hair to lift the other’s face towards his own. “You can’t do that shit.”

Ryan broke down as soon as Brendon looked at him. He could feel his eyes staring into his foggy ones. “No, you dumbass. I did it because I’ve been hurt too many times.” He reached out to touch Brendon’s face, continuing. “My parents, the accident, fucking _everything_. I’d rather lose my life and than have you say I’m a fucking weirdo or something. I’d rather die than lose you, Brendon, you know?” He inhaled, rubbing his hands over his face.

Brendon started to say something, but it turned into a laugh instead.

“See? This is exactly the thing I didn’t want.” He felt tears pickling his eyes, getting confused when Brendon squeezed his shoulders.

“No! No, Ryan. I’m laughing because that’s probably the most you’ve ever said about your emotions in your entire life,” Brendon smiled and kissed Ryan on the forehead.

“Oh, what the fuck?” Ryan hit Brendon on the chest, beating repeatedly with his fists. “I say all that and you just laugh! Do you feel the same? Do you hate me? Do you just wanna be friends?”

Brendon smiled against Ryan’s forehead, holding him tightly. “I don’t want to say anything the two of us will either regret or forget. I’m fifteen, I can’t go on deciding my future yet.” He sighed, pulling Ryan’s head into his neck _. Like shielding him from the world,_ Brendon thought. “Just give it a few years, yeah?”

Ryan didn’t want that, though. He wanted Brendon to love him like he did then and there. Brendon thought that waiting would change how Ryan felt about him, but he was the farthest thing from right. In fact, what he did over those years just made Ryan love Brendon even more.

So, Ryan turned sixteen, then seventeen, then eighteen, with several more attempts through the years. Brendon was there for all of that, and was there to celebrate when he got accepted into the college of his dreams. The fact that Brendon didn’t fall as hard as Ryan did was what made it so weird.

-

Ryan waited two damn years for Brendon’s graduation. Sure, he was held back a year, but he was _not_ going to let Brendon drop out, not when he had so much going for him. Ryan couldn’t see Brendon walk across to receive his diploma, nor could he see his actual diploma, but he could scream when he heard Brendon’s name being called.

He didn’t really want to be introduced to Brendon’s friends, but Ryan couldn’t exactly leave by himself. They weren’t best friends, not at all, but it was just a formality. Ryan just shook hands and pretended to see right through them.

Grace took them out for dinner, and took Brendon to get his car the next day as a graduation gift. “Pay your own insurance,” she laughed, but she meant it.

Ryan, being a broke-ass blind boy, invited Brendon to band practice, complete with a few boxes of pizza and Capri-Sun for the whole crew.

-

“You’re serious?! You can't be serious!” Brendon yelled, scaring an unsuspecting Ryan. “They left you for dead! Why, in your right mind, would you go to their funeral?”

Ryan shrugged, “They fed me for five years of my life and left me their house when they picked up and went to Florida, so I have to pay _some_ respect.” He found his way over to the closet and pulled out a suitcase. “Help me pack?”

Brendon shook his head and walked over to the closet, throwing some clothes off of the hangers and into the case. “You don’t have to at all, actually. They didn’t show you any sort of respect, why should you show them any? You don’t love them, Ryan.”

Ryan stopped, looked up, and said, “I can at least pretend. It’s no different from you pretending to love me, eh?” With Brendon stunned, he grabbed his stuff and walked outside, hoping someone with sense would realize the blind kid needed help.


	7. Chapter 7

Ryan wasn’t too sure what to do at the airport. He  _ really _ wished he had gotten Brendon to bring him. It took him a good hour to actually find the terminal, given the zero amount of help the staff gave him. The only thing really efficient was the baggage check, where he was checked separately from everyone due to handicap. He didn’t love being treated differently, but if it meant skipping lines, he was all for it.

The plane ride was just as nice, mostly because he boarded and got off before everyone, but the person next to him didn’t realize he was blind and tried to get him to see the scenery.

They were more than offended when he said, “No, ma’am, I don’t think I can do that.” The woman thought he was being rude and scoffed, but he then held up his cane. The person to his left laughed a sweet laugh, and Ryan joined in. The woman was confused as hell at first, but she slowly started to join in with the laughter.

What was really bad though, was actually getting off. He couldn’t find his way anywhere, and he had an especially hard time finding his aunt. Neither knew what each other looked like. Ryan just stood next to the Starbucks, waiting, until a message was put out through the intercom to find him.

They found each other inside the women’s bathroom that Ryan mistakenly was pushed into.

-

The funeral was going to be nothing special, nothing Ryan really cared about. He cared more about visiting the house that they left their child behind for.

“I can’t see what’s so special about it,” Ryan spoke to his aunt as he climbed out of the car. “In fact, I can’t see anything.” He laughed at his own joke, but his aunt hit him on the arm, probably shaking her head in that way that older people do. She took his arm and led him into the house and upstairs, stopping off at a doorway.

“And this is your room.”

-

Brendon was fucking miserable. He had literally never been away from Ryan for so long. He even stayed every night Ryan was in the hospital. Who knew how crazy Brendon would go after five days? No one. They would have gotten a ticket for him if they knew.

Things had already been bad from the start, seeing as Ryan was so mad that he wouldn’t pick up the phone when Brendon called. _Well, if he’s going to be that way,_ Brendon thought, then broke into his dorm. He just made ramen noodles and collapsed on the couch. His mother was confused as to why he was staying at Ryan’s, seeing as she drove him to the airport, but she just let her son do his thing. It turned out that ‘his thing’ was breaking into dorms and stealing food, but it wasn’t exactly the weirdest thing Brendon had done. That being said, this was the day Ryan left.

-

Ryan could immediately feel the dark – not like it had no lights, but more like the paint was dark. Blue, to be exact. He ran his fingers against the wall, looking for a light switch. He found it and turned it on, powering the ceiling fan with it. The whole room had dark furniture, which meant no discernable features in the limited vision he had to make his way through the room. He made his way to the other end of the room with his cane.

Ryan reached out to feel if it was a wall, but was surprised to feel a shelf with what seemed to be books. He picked one up, knowing damn well he couldn’t see, and flipped it open to the cover page. It was a thicker sheet of paper, so he ran his finger over the page to see if the title were embedded in the page.

“Holy shit,” Ryan whispered with excitement, flipping the pages frantically. He stopped at one and ran his pointer over that, just to see if it were too good to be true. The book was written in braille. Why did his parents have books written in braille? He had no clue, but Ryan wasn't going to question his good fortune.

He picked up another book, grinning, and did the same thing. It was his favorite book – _Invisible Monsters_ by Chuck Palahniuk. He immediately sat down on the floor and started reading the book.

-

Brendon may or may not have eaten all of Ryan’s ramen stash in the two days he stayed locked up in the dorm. He checked the pantry and tried to see if he needed to get more and made a list. He left a note in case, miraculously, Ryan came back while he was at the grocery store. He sighed and closed the door behind him, not locking it.

He got a bit more than he was supposed to. Brendon, the dumb fuck, used two weeks’ paychecks to buy groceries that Ryan couldn’t even use because he couldn’t cook. _Whatever,_ Brendon thought, carrying three bags in each hand. _I’ll just come over and cook for him._

He dropped the bags when he approached the door, crying out when he heard a loud cracking.

“God _damn_ it! Fucking-”

          It was the eggs.

-

Ryan read the whole book before he even thought about going to bed. It wasn’t late like it usually was, which really surprised Ryan. Then again, he hadn’t put so much work into something in such a long time.

When he woke up the next morning, his aunt suggested that they explore the town and brunch before coming back to get ready for the late service. He just nodded, letting her hold his arm again and drag him around town.

As soon as they got back, Ryan excused himself to his room to call Brendon. He answered on the first ring, and Ryan laughed.

“Eager?”

“You motherfucker!” Ryan heard a crash in the background, “You scared me! Pick up next time, okay?”

“Okay, _mom._ You were being a bitch, I had to be one, too. Anyway,” he sat down on his bed, feeling around for the book. “I’ve got some news. My parents didn’t totally hate me, apparently.”

“That oughta be a given-“

“No, Brendon, they had a whole room for me. It’s not even a guest bedroom. It’s an actual room, with dark colors and a bookshelf with books written entirely in braille- they actually tried, Bren!” He started to tear up with the excitement, but he wiped them away before he could actually cry. “It’s like they actually cared about me.” He heard a sharp rap on his door and sighed. “I gotta go, have to get ready for the service.”

Brendon sighed, too, but much louder. “Alright boy. Don’t give them any roses, they don’t deserve that. Figure out about that room, too?”

Ryan nodded, “Yeah, I was planning to. Bye.” His aunt walked in just as Brendon hung up.

“Alright, I have your suit. You can put it on and stuff, but please, for the love of god, let me style your hair.” She threw the bag down on the bed and walked to the window, closing the blinds. “The pastor wanted you to say a few words, but I went ahead and declined for you.”

Ryan just nodded along to what she was saying until he heard the door close. He heaved out a sigh of relief and began changing, hoping to god the buttons were even and the shirt without wrinkles. He managed to get the tie right, to his surprise. He pulled his shoes on before walking out, cane in hand, to face his aunt.


	8. Chapter 8

Ryan wasn’t too sure what to do at the airport. He really wished he had gotten Brendon to bring him. It took him a good hour to actually find the terminal, given the zero amount of help the staff gave him. The only thing really efficient was the baggage check, where he was checked separately from everyone due to handicap. He didn’t love being treated differently, but if it meant skipping lines, he was all for it.  
The plane ride was just as nice, mostly because he boarded and got off before everyone, but the person next to him didn’t realize he was blind and tried to get him to see the scenery.  
They were more than offended when he said, “No, ma’am, I don’t think I can do that.” The woman thought he was being rude and scoffed, but he then held up his cane. The person to his left laughed a sweet laugh, and Ryan joined in. The woman was confused as hell at first, but she slowly started to join in with the laughter.  
What was really bad though, was actually getting off. He couldn’t find his way anywhere, and he had an especially hard time finding his aunt. Neither knew what each other looked like. Ryan just stood next to the Starbucks, waiting, until a message was put out through the intercom to find him.  
They found each other inside the women’s bathroom that Ryan mistakenly was pushed into.

-

The funeral was going to be nothing special, nothing Ryan really cared about. He cared more about visiting the house that they left their child behind for.  
“I can’t see what’s so special about it,” Ryan spoke to his aunt as he climbed out of the car. “In fact, I can’t see anything.” He laughed at his own joke, but his aunt hit him on the arm, probably shaking her head in that way that older people do. She took his arm and led him into the house and upstairs, stopping off at a doorway.  
“And this is your room.”

-

Brendon was fucking miserable. He had literally never been away from Ryan for so long. He even stayed every night Ryan was in the hospital. Who knew how crazy Brendon would go after five days? No one. They would have gotten a ticket for him if they knew.  
Things had already been bad from the start, seeing as Ryan was so mad that he wouldn’t pick up the phone when Brendon called. Well, if he’s going to be that way, Brendon thought, then broke into his dorm. He just made ramen noodles and collapsed on the couch. His mother was confused as to why he was staying at Ryan’s, seeing as she drove him to the airport, but she just let her son do his thing. It turned out that ‘his thing’ was breaking into dorms and stealing food, but it wasn’t exactly the weirdest thing Brendon had done. That being said, this was the day Ryan left.

-

Ryan could immediately feel the dark – not like it had no lights, but more like the paint was dark. Blue, to be exact. He ran his fingers against the wall, looking for a light switch. He found it and turned it on, powering the ceiling fan with it. The whole room had dark furniture, which meant no discernable features in the limited vision he had to make his way through the room. He made his way to the other end of the room with his cane.  
Ryan reached out to feel if it was a wall, but was surprised to feel a shelf with what seemed to be books. He picked one up, knowing damn well he couldn’t see, and flipped it open to the cover page. It was a thicker sheet of paper, so he ran his finger over the page to see if the title were embedded in the page.  
“Holy shit,” Ryan whispered with excitement, flipping the pages frantically. He stopped at one and ran his pointer over that, just to see if it were too good to be true. The book was written in braille. Why did his parents have books written in braille? He had no clue, but Ryan wasn't going to question his good fortune.  
He picked up another book, grinning, and did the same thing. It was his favorite book – Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk. He immediately sat down on the floor and started reading the book.

 

-

Brendon may or may not have eaten all of Ryan’s ramen stash in the two days he stayed locked up in the dorm. He checked the pantry and tried to see if he needed to get more and made a list. He left a note in case, miraculously, Ryan came back while he was at the grocery store. He sighed and closed the door behind him, not locking it.  
He got a bit more than he was supposed to. Brendon, the dumb fuck, used two weeks’ paychecks to buy groceries that Ryan couldn’t even use because he couldn’t cook. Whatever, Brendon thought, carrying three bags in each hand. I’ll just come over and cook for him.  
He dropped the bags when he approached the door, crying out when he heard a loud cracking.  
“Goddamn it! Fucking-”  
It was the eggs.

-

Ryan read the whole book before he even thought about going to bed. It wasn’t late like it usually was, which really surprised Ryan. Then again, he hadn’t put so much work into something in such a long time.  
When he woke up the next morning, his aunt suggested that they explore the town and brunch before coming back to get ready for the late service. He just nodded, letting her hold his arm again and drag him around town.  
As soon as they got back, Ryan excused himself to his room to call Brendon. He answered on the first ring, and Ryan laughed.  
“Eager?”  
“You motherfucker!” Ryan heard a crash in the background, “You scared me! Pick up next time, okay?”  
“Okay, mom. You were being a bitch, I had to be one, too. Anyway,” he sat down on his bed, feeling around for the book. “I’ve got some news. My parents didn’t totally hate me, apparently.”  
“That oughta be a given-“  
“No, Brendon, they had a whole room for me. It’s not even a guest bedroom. It’s an actual room, with dark colors and a bookshelf with books written entirely in braille- they actually tried, Bren!” He started to tear up with the excitement, but he wiped them away before he could actually cry. “It’s like they actually cared about me.” He heard a sharp rap on his door and sighed. “I gotta go, have to get ready for the service.”  
Brendon sighed, too, but much louder. “Alright boy. Don’t give them any roses, they don’t deserve that. Figure out about that room, too?”  
Ryan nodded, “Yeah, I was planning to. Bye.” His aunt walked in just as Brendon hung up.  
“Alright, I have your suit. You can put it on and stuff, but please, for the love of god, let me style your hair.” She threw the bag down on the bed and walked to the window, closing the blinds. “The pastor wanted you to say a few words, but I went ahead and declined for you.”  
Ryan just nodded along to what she was saying until he heard the door close. He heaved out a sigh of relief and began changing, hoping to god the buttons were even and the shirt without wrinkles. He managed to get the tie right, to his surprise (only after tying and retying it many times). He pulled his shoes on before walking out, cane in hand, to face his aunt.


	9. Chapter 9

“You idiot! You fucking idiot! You did it now!” Dallon hit Brendon with a pillow about halfway through the first movie. “Why are you so  _ stupid _ ?!”

Brendon was dumbstruck, not having done anything to deserve it, but he took the beating anyway. “What did I do?”

“Ah, oh my god, you’re so stupid!” Dallon stopped hitting him momentarily to rub his face aggressively. “The kid has a crush on you, you idiot! I can’t believe you haven’t noticed it!”

“He’s just a friend!”

“Okay, ‘just a friend’ wouldn’t buy a fucking videogame console and soft blankets and shit, they’d let you suffer! He’s in love with you!”

Brendon sighed loudly, “Hey, we’ve taken care of him most of his life. He probably just feels like he owes us?”

Dallon looked at him like he was stupid, causing Brendon to shrink further into the couch than before. “That might _literally_ be why he’s so in love with you. You’re so fucking blind, Brendon.”

“That’s not right, he’s the blind one.” It was at that point that Dallon just fucking lost it.

“When is he getting back? Four days? Five? Whatever. As soon as he walks through that door, do something! Kiss him! Suck him off!” Brendon blushed and Dallon sneered, “We all know you like him too, so don’t give me any shit about that.” He stood with his hands on his hips and tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for Brendon to deny it.

“I’m not even gay?” Brendon said tentatively, almost like it were a question. He sighed, “Not bi, pan, gay, whatever. I’m straight. Yeah, I’ve sucked a dick once, but it wasn’t pleasurable for me or whatever.”

Dallon sighed, not willing to give up. “You’ve never _had sex_ with a man, and you haven’t tried to have a romantic connection with one. Anyone can suck a dick! It isn’t the most pleasurable thing in the world, Brendon. No gay guys I’ve met have actually said it tastes good or anything. What turns them on isn’t the blowjob, it’s their partner.” He noticed the slight blush forming on the other’s face and stepped closer to Brendon, knowing he wouldn’t back away. “The way they act, the noises they make – that’s what creates the edge and tips them over. No one enjoys having to push themselves to the limit, hurting themselves just to go as hard and fast as their partner likes. That is, if you’re the top.”

Brendon whimpered, thinking back to the first time he had sex. It was pleasurable for both of them as far as he could tell, but then he thought about Dallon’s words. He was right. Having to keep a constant speed was tiring. His muscles hurt like all hell afterwards. What had actually kept him going was the popularity that would come. Sarah was a pretty girl, popular and chased after. She wasn’t what Brendon wanted, but she chose him over everyone else. Brendon sighed, reaching up to grab Dallon’s sleeve.

“Now, you? You couldn’t be a pillow princess like your boy Ryan. All you want to do is make him happy, so that would make sense,” He laughed lightly, moving slowly to grab Brendon’s waist and pull him closer. “You’re not a virgin, though.” Brendon shook his head. “Did she treat you right? Give you the full treatment?” Brendon was about to speak, but Dallon just laughed, a bit louder this time. “Of course not.”

Brendon couldn’t take the tension anymore. The next time Dallon stepped closer, Brendon pressed himself forward, kissing the older man.

-

Ryan was absolutely frustrated. He was bored as fuck and Brendon wasn’t picking up the phone. With an empty sigh, he leaned over to grab the book on his bedside table.

-

Brendon sat there afterwards, playing it all like a movie in his head.

_Cut to black. His tongue in Dallon’s mouth. Dallon’s hand down the front of his pants. Him being pushed against the wall, his head knocking loud on the drywall. Dallon’s mouth around him. Him_ carrying _Dallon with a strength he never knew he had. The bed neither he nor Ryan used. Dallon shuffling around in_ Ryan’s _bedside table, obviously having been in the same situation in the same room. Dallon telling Brendon what to do, word by word._

_His panting as Dallon moaned, head banging relentlessly against the wall. Neither of them were going to stop, though._

_Not with the way Dallon was sweating, tiny grunts spilling out of his mouth. He was enjoying himself, and that’s all Brendon wanted for him. When they both finally let up, it wasn’t awkward like Brendon expected it to be._

“You were damn right, you know,” Brendon sighed. Dallon didn’t speak but tilted his head in question. “About just wanting to please your partner.”

Dallon smiled into the back of Brendon’s head laughing lightly. “I know.” He sat up on his elbows, turning to face the ceiling. “Now, imagine all that – but with Ryan.” He looked back at Brendon to see him still curled up, facing the wall. He sighed at the lack of response and just stood up, getting dressed. “So, now that I’ve made you realize just how _much_ you love Ryan, my job here is done.”

Brendon listened to the rustling of the fabric but didn’t turn around. “Hey, Dallon?”

“Hm?”

“Did you just use me? Or was this something we both wanted?”

Dallon buckled his belt and pulled on his jacket, considering for a moment before he walked back and sat down on the bed. “If you think about it, you kissed me first. So, technically, you used me.” He leaned down to kiss Brendon on the cheek one last time. “I won’t take it personally, though. After all, we didn’t so much as tip over the edge. We fell off a cliff.” With that, he walked away.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Brendon started crying.

-

Ryan was so invested in his book he didn’t hear his phone ring. When he did, he was genuinely surprised. He let it ring in his hand for a few seconds before unlocking it, tentatively putting it to his ear. “Hello?”

“I fucked up, Ryan. You shouldn’t have left me here,” Brendon let out a choked sob.

“You fucked up?” It took Ryan a while to register what was happening. “Ah, you _fucked_ up.” He clicked his tongue, laughing lightly. He wasn’t going to go easy on Brendon this time. “Was it Sarah this time? How about Audrey?”

Brendon’s voice was raspy, but he laughed with Ryan. “No, Ryan,” He abruptly took in a breath, trying his best to gain some composure. “Ryan, I totally fucked your neighbor.”

Ryan laughed, Brendon laughed, and Ryan hung up the phone quicker than the speed of light just so he could sit in the darkness and cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be out of state for five days starting July 14th, so if I don't post, that's it. I might take my laptop to try and get some writing in if I can.


	10. Chapter 10

Brendon cried himself to sleep. It was odd, seeing as he was always the happy one. Looking back, he wondered why he did it.

That night was weird for him. After the first time with Sarah, they walked the hallways hand-in-hand, ruling the school together while Ryan watched from the sidelines (hand-in-hand with his own doubt). Audrey was a mistake Ryan caused. She was, in a way, the female Dallon. They both left him a mess, but in different ways.

Brendon always thought Ryan was clueless, but he’d picked up other senses since he lost one. So, he didn’t pester Brendon about Audrey, but he knew why. It was almost a shame he couldn’t tell about Dallon.

When he woke up, the wall was a familiar color, but he was laying on the wrong side. He pushed himself up, finding it to be much harder to do than before. Brendon grunted, cringing at the pain, and forced himself up to get some ibuprofen. He just thanked god he wasn’t hungover.

He was almost hopeful that Dallon would knock on the door and they’d talk, but he knew it wouldn’t happen. He needed some closure, because, really, he’d never felt this _bad_ about anything he’d done before. He didn’t even know why he did it.

Brendon dry-swallowed a few more pills than necessary, trying his best to not acknowledge the bitter taste they left on his tongue. He capped the bottle quickly and put it up, just barely glimpsing an opened bag he hadn’t seen before: a prescription bag from what looked to be Walmart, filled with bottles of expired sertraline tablets, all in varying milligrams.

He slammed the cabinet shut and went back to the room to pull on his clothes quickly before leaving. Ryan didn’t need him, it seemed.

-

Ryan didn’t need a funeral for his parents, he needed it for himself. Let his aunt write his eulogy. Really, the boy thought he was going to die. He knew it was Dallon. He wasn’t a playboy, but he knew how to play with others to get what he wanted.

Ryan cursed to himself loudly as he wiped his face clean. “Fucking _Christ!_ What was I thinking, leaving him there alone? Fuck-” He stood up from the bed quickly, knocking the bedside table with his knee. He groaned, remembering the week before he left when Brendon walked in while he was having a wet dream. “God damn him.”

He grabbed his cane and slowly made his way downstairs, hoping to knock into his aunt. It took a while before he encountered someone, and when he did, it was his estranged cousin, Spencer.

“Hey, Ryan! What’s the rush?”

“No time, have to find your mom. _Boy troubles,_ ya know?” He pushed past the other, but Spencer just followed behind.

“It’s been ten years, Ryan. This would be a perfect chance to talk to me!” Spencer reached forward and grabbed Ryan’s collar, pulling him backwards. “She’s not here, anyway, so it would be no good to try and find her.”

Ryan grunted in disbelief, “Are you fucking with me? No, you obviously aren’t. Too damn nice.” He turned around, swinging his hand up to find Spencer’s face. “This is the least ideal situation. You’re the same height as me, the one person I can talk to is gone, and the person I need to talk about just had sex with my neighbor. I’m not in the mood for any bonding shit, Spence.”

Spencer sighed. “Ryan? Get over yourself for once. Let’s actually talk.” He put an arm around Ryan’s shoulders and led him to the living room, pushing him down in one of the recliners. He plopped down in the one across from it, and said, “So?”

“Has your mom mentioned Brendon at all?”

“Yeah, says he’d shut you the fuck up. I guess not, since you’re talking about him now.”

Ryan nodded, grimacing. “So, he’s been with me forever. You probably met him before when you came to visit my parents, but you’d have forgotten him by now. Obviously.” He sighed, realizing there was no backing out of it at that point. “I love the kid. No, I'm in _love_ with him. That’s the problem here. It’s a cliché ‘I wasn’t supposed to’ kind of falling in love.

“I had no hope for him feeling the same way about me. He’s straight!” Ryan laughed bitterly, “I thought. He thought, too. Like, he totally sucked someone off at a party because he was drunk, but we put that behind him. He’s dated somebody and he’s had a fuckbuddy, but they were both girls, right?”

“Yeah, so, is he the one who fucked your neighbor?” Spencer leaned forward in the seat, waiting for Ryan to continue the story.

“I’m _getting there_ ,” Ryan sneered. “So, I’m a dumb fuck who fell in love with a straight guy. The most we are separated is when school is going on, and then we find a way to meet up for a few minutes somehow after he gets out.

“So, imagine this. Two best buddies, friends forever, BFFs – never separated from each other – are taken apart for a week. I thought I was going to break down first, to be quite honest with you. No. Three days in, and he calls me telling me he fucked my neighbor.”

“But are you sure it had anything to do with you?”

Ryan shook his head. “It most likely doesn’t, and that’s why I’m so pissed off about it. I _want_ him to be frustrated about liking me. I _want_ him to realize that, maybe, he isn’t so straight at all. What I _didn’t_ want, though-“

“Was for him to screw someone else.”

Ryan nodded, sighing. “I hate him, and I hate Dallon. Dallon more-so, probably. The fucker knew what he was doing to Brendon. I really hate Weekes.”

Spencer gasped, “Wait, Dallon? Weekes?”

“I mean, what other Dallon is there?”

“No, wait, the Dallon from high school?”

“Dallon from high school?” Ryan tilted his head to the side in question. “Wait, how did you know about Dallon Weekes?”

“Dude, he moved for college like, the week after his graduation. He was my best friend all of freshman year, man! He’s in, what, his third year of college now?” Spencer asked.

Ryan stood up slowly, nodding. “He totally fucked me over at the beginning of the year, Spence. Like, _fucked me over a counter and left_ , kind of fucked me over. How could you have been friends with that asshole?”

“I don’t know! He was nice to me!” Spencer shrugged, panicking. “When are you leaving? Three days? I can get a ticket, right? I’ve got to find my mom, holy shit!”

“What the fuck? No, no no no! You’re not coming with me!” Ryan stepped forward, reaching out to grab Spencer’s shoulder. “You are _not_ meeting Brendon. Not while I’m alive!”

Spencer snickered, “So you won’t invite me to your wedding?”

Ryan’s aunt walked into the living room to see her nephew trying (and failing) to beat her son with an already bent cane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've got to write more. ah, fuck.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. Hello.

Brendon thanked god he didn’t run into Dallon. Really, he was happy he didn’t see anyone he knew, because he ended up crying against the back of a dumpster.

            He grabbed his phone from his jacket, giving in. He missed Ryan more than anything and realized his mistake. Brendon looked up, like at god, and said, “Kill me if I’m not supposed to do this.” He turned on his phone and typed in a number he’d only used twice in his life, sending a quick message.

            Brendon stood up and brushed his jacket off, walking home immediately. He slammed the door behind him. Unfortunately, Grace was home.

            “Brendon? I thought you’d be at Ryan’s-” She rushed into the foyer and sighed at the sight of her son. “What happened to you? You look like a mess, Brendon!” He just shrugged, causing Grace to become worried. “Seriously, Ryan’s in a different state so you couldn’t have fought…”

            Brendon stood there, preparing an ultimate comeback, but decided against it when he saw the look on his mother’s face. He sighed, “We need to talk.”

 

-

 

            Brendon didn’t get kicked out like he thought he would. He actually got plenty of understanding from his mother, which threw him off. “Why are you so happy about this?”

            “Bren, baby, I’m not happy about the situation,” she cooed, hugging her son close to her. “I’m just happy you’re talking to me about something other than your crush Ryan.” She laughed quietly, waiting for Brendon’s soft laughter to join hers. “I’m not that good at advice, and I’m not a gay male teenager like you are, so what I’m going to say is all I can say, okay?”

            “Just how bad did I fuck up?”

            “Pretty bad, kid. Pretty bad,” she sighed. “But, that’s okay. You know Ryan loves you, right? This’ll just be one bad thing he’ll look back on, wondering why he was mad. Plus, from what I understand, both of you were willing participants. He may have left immediately after, but he gave you what you wanted at the moment.” Grace grabbed Brendon’s face, turning it so they could look each other in the eye. “Does a question pop up in your head when I say that?”

            Brendon thought for a second, finally sighing. “What do I want now?”

            Grace nodded, smiling at Brendon. “What _do_ you want now?”

            “I want Ryan,” Brendon laughed. “But I just fucked that up for myself, mom. I already called Pete. There’s no backing out now.”

            Grace’s smile slowly left her face as she turned away from Brendon. Brendon was about to ask what was wrong when she said, “Get out.”

 

-

 

            “Basically, Kid Rock is an abomination,” Spencer concluded for Ryan, shoving a handful of pretzels in his mouth.

            Ryan smiled in excitement. “Exactly! He keeps making music, but the only good song he’s ever made is Picture, and that’s because of Sheryl Crow. He shouldn’t have even done hip hop. It’s almost like he went through a mid-life crisis when he was _twenty_.” The two laughed at this, reminding Ryan of the many drunken nights he and Brendon experienced together.

            He hated it.

            “Hey, Spence, do you have any gay friends?”

            Spencer choked on his pretzels in disbelief. Ryan ignored it, his reply obviously more important. “Uh, yeah, sure I do. Why?”

            “I need to fuck someone right now, get all of this energy out.”

            “Alright, I shouldn’t have asked why,” Spencer sighed, grabbing his phone from his back pocket. It took him a minute to find exactly who he was looking for and shoot them a text, but he knew the kid would answer ‘yes’ either way. “Can I trust you with an actual good friend of mine?” Ryan nodded, and Spencer gagged. “His name is Jon. Don’t- don’t be too good or anything, okay? I don’t want to hear about it for the rest of my life.”

            Ryan smiled at Spencer, grabbing a few pretzels for himself. “Thanks, kid. Anyway, like I was saying, he’s shit. He was at the fucking 1998 Warped Tour. God, who decided an eight year old could go to Warped Tour? The man runs a cruise now, Spence! _What the fuck?_ Kid Rock isn’t even real, I swear.”

            “Um, excuse me? All Summer Long is a classic. How do you even know so much about Kid Rock if you hate him so much?” Spencer asked jokingly, ignoring the burning sensation in the back of his mind.

            Ryan snickered, going with it. “Brendon’s a mega fan. It’s almost terrifying how different we are when it comes to music. For example: I like The Beatles and he likes shit.”

            Spencer smiled, letting Ryan laugh to himself, and pretending Ryan didn’t just act like he never asked to fuck a friend.

-

 

            “God bless you, Pete,” Brendon laughed, exhaling a puff of smoke. “What was it that you gave me last time that was so bad? Jesus fuck, I stopped smoking because of that stuff.”

            Pete shrugged, snuffing the end of his blunt with his fingers. “It was local last time. I lived in fucking _Chicago_ , Brendon. It’s much more quality here in Vegas.”

            Brendon smiled, nodding. “Everything is better in Vegas. The lights, the money, the drinks. The guys.” He snickered.

            “So it’s true? You actually fucked someone?” Brendon hit his arm. “Sorry, Audrey. You fucked a _boy_? A male? Someone with a dick?” He nodded. “Fuckin’ wild, man. I didn’t know you’d ever get any, let alone from a guy. Us gays have high standards and you fit none of them.”

            “Oh, man, at least I didn’t take it up the ass like you do. I have some dignity, believe it or not,” Brendon laughed and Pete sneered, but both of them were joking.

            “So it was like you were fucking a woman? Couldn’t actually stand the fact that you might like dick…”

            “I didn’t say that!”

            Pete shrugged it off. “It was your first time with a man, you obviously wouldn’t want to actually take it. I don’t blame you. Holding onto your heterosexuality, of course. Plus your best friend was-“

            Brendon immediately tensed up, shaking his head slightly. “We’re not going to talk about him.”

            Pete smiled slyly, knowing immediately why Brendon was here.

 

-

 

            Ryan wasn’t one to bother with introductions. He just went in for the bait and hoped they didn’t ask, and apparently, it was like that with Jon, too. As soon as Spencer dropped him off and Jon opened the door, Ryan had his back to the wall.

            It wasn’t a loving kiss – it was an obviously horny one. Ryan knew this boy was going to take the best he could get, and Ryan was going to give it to him.

            Jon stopped the kiss briefly and moved his hand down to under Ryan’s butt, picking him up. Ryan wrapped his legs around Jon’s waist, getting comfortable before he leaned back in to kiss him. Still holding the kiss, Jon walked to his room and kicked the door shut behind him.

            Jon set Ryan down on the bed, climbing into his lap and just pushing him back, letting him lay down. He just stared as Ryan caught his breath, not thinking when he said, “You’re beautiful.”

            Ryan laughed. “I have no concept of beauty.” He picked himself up to lean back on his elbows, smiling lightly. "It's kinda hard to have a concept of beauty when you can't see anything, yeah?" He moved only to pull Jon down into a kiss. "Tell me, am I more like a flower or a bunch of LED lights?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates are going to be very slow. Sorry.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short but i really don't care because this fic means nothing to me or anyone

Brendon couldn’t breathe, not with the way Pete was slowly inching closer to him, his breath occasionally ghosting over Brendon’s lips - not quite a kiss, just a joke. Brendon was playing a dangerous game and both of them knew it. It was obvious, like it was obvious that Ryan was blind, and Brendon was in love, and Pete was a dickhead.

“If you don’t give me what I want, I’ll tell the police.”

Pete laughed. “You’re too soft for blackmail.” Brendon snarled. “How about I do what I want, and you tell no one because you’re too high on the ecstasy?”

“The ecstasy  _ I’ll _ be providing, right? Just like every single girl you’ve been with, Pete.” He moved his hand slowly up, placing it on Pete’s thigh. “Except, you won’t be high this time, right? No, wait. When aren’t you high?”

“When did you get into guys? No, wait. Ryan.”

Brendon laughed, pulling his hand away immediately, taking pleasure in the way Pete’s pupils suddenly enlarged. “Then I guess the cops can come here and ransack the place, right? No problem here. Like there’s no problem with Ryan, right? Just like that night. A repeat but you’re the victim, finally.”

Pete sighed, reaching into his pocket. “Fucking hell, Brendon, you’re gonna put me out of business.”

“Whatever.”

Brendon snatched the wad of cash out of Pete’s hands and walked away, not daring to look back.

 

-

 

They sat on the couch not too long later, relaxing, just enjoying each other. Jon inhaled a breath on his cigarette before passing it to Ryan, deciding to break the silence.

“I’m gonna go with a bouquet of roses. Red ones.”

“What?”

“You asked me how beautiful you were,” Jon shifted his body to face towards Ryan. “Like a flower or LED lights. You’re more like a bouquet of red roses. From the way you speak to the way you move under the sheets.”

Ryan snickered. “Is this a proposal?”

“I’m serious!” Jon smiled, “How many times has someone given you roses?” Ryan tried thinking back, wondering if there was ever a time, before a Jon answered for him. “It's rare, right? That's how you are. You're rare, Ryan. Never have I seen someone like you.”

Ryan smiled softly, burying his head in Jon’s neck. “That almost makes me want to stay.”

 

-

 

Brendon didn’t even make it in the door before his mother started.

“He was fucking 17, Brendon. He knew what he was doing.” Grace threw the newspaper on the counter, refusing to look Brendon in the eye. “He was 17 and fully conscious of what he was doing to Ryan. You can't forgive him for doing that to your best friend.”

“I'm not forgiving him, not over my dead body. I'm making him pay.” He grabbed the money from his pocket and threw it on the counter, right in front of Grace. “I don’t know how long I’ve been trying to get him to do this. It basically took a threat of a phone call to the cops to get him to finally break.”

Grace sighed, grabbing and inspecting the cash. “How much is it?”

Brendon shrugged. “It’s supposed to be five thousand. Enough for one eye. He’s got a few more deals to run before we meet again and get enough for the second eye and some glasses.”

Grace dropped it.

 

-

 

“Can I at least keep your number?” Jon asked in between gasps. He had Ryan against the wall, just like the moment he had really met Ryan. He nodded and Jon smiled, leaning his head forward to meet Ryan in a kiss. “I know this will probably never happen again, but I wouldn’t mind just being a friend.”

Ryan laughed. “That was very Brendon thing to say. You’d probably be friends.” He leaned in to kiss him again, only for Spencer to honk impatiently from outside. The two laughed lightly and Jon leaned in, only to peck a small kiss on his lips before he had to leave.

“Call me when you get home?”

Ryan nodded and walked out with a smile, knowing he wouldn’t see Jon again - if not for a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh i might just leave this fic alone when ryan gets back home and then make a separate fic for the future happenings or whatever - did that make sense?


	13. Chapter 13

Ryan sighed when the flight touched down. Grace was supposed to pick him up, but it would most likely be Dallon (in the best case). It seemed as though he was the only person that didn’t want him dead.

Instead of getting out first with the rest of the disabled passengers, he waited patiently in his aisle seat as everyone climbed past him and out, refusing any more special treatment. He stood up only when an attendant reached out and grabbed his shoulder.

With a sigh, he pushed himself out of the seat and allowed the attendant to guide him down the rows and out of the plane, only handing him his suitcase and cane when they were halfway to the carport.

Ryan almost fainted when he heard an all-too-familiar whisper of his name.

 

-

 

“I called you.”

“I know. Couldn’t answer.”

Brendon sighed, turning the music down. “I’d appreciate it if you were honest. It’s okay that you didn’t want to pick up. I’d just prefer it if you told me-”

“No, I couldn’t answer. I was too busy fucking Jon,” Ryan turned to face him, taking his sunglasses off. “You two would probably be friends. You act a lot alike.”

“Yeah, I bet.”

They drove in silence for nearly ten minutes, the air getting tenser by the second. When Brendon thought he was going to choke from the sheer amount of unease, Ryan spoke up.

“I didn’t mean that. I mean, I fucked him, but that had nothing to do with why I didn’t answer.”

“I’m sure it didn’t.”

Brendon turned the music back up, to a deafening volume this time.

 

-

 

Ryan stayed at his dorm for the first few days of being back, thankful that he didn’t have a dormmate. It was torture enough that he had the blaring notifications and no way to turn them off, god forbid he lose his phone. On the fourth day, someone knocked on the door - and he knew who it was.

He really didn’t want to stand up,  _ definitely _ didn’t want to see Brendon, but the boy just kept knocking. He slowly pushed himself up, not bothering to grab his sunglasses from the nightstand or even put on a shirt. He just wanted this over with. Ryan was making his way to the door when he heard it click open.

“Christ, I just woke up. Give me a minute, won’t ya?”

Brendon let out a breath, smiling lightly. “You’re not going to kick me out?”

“Not yet,” Ryan huffed.

“Well, uh,” Brendon shuffled a bit forward, closing the door behind him. “Shouldn’t we talk?”

“No.”

Brendon expected the answer and didn’t miss a beat in saying, “I have food.”

 

-

 

“I was thinking. While you were gone.”

“You can do that?”

Brendon sighed, setting his carryout container on the coffee table. “Pete’s giving me money.”

Ryan stiffened immediately, noodles dangling on the fork halfway to his mouth. His mouth clamped shut and opened again, and Ryan wasn’t sure if he was hyperventilating or not breathing at all.

“In a few months, we’ll have enough for your surgery.”

It was silence, not as bad as the car ride, but still filling Brendon’s lungs anxiety. “You’ll be able to see, Ryan.”

“Why are you doing this?”

Brendon smiled. “I love you.”

At this point, Ryan knew he wasn’t breathing. He wasn’t even sure he was real, and he was freaking out. Then he realized what he did.

It was red roses and cardamom in Ryan’s head, but twice as dead as he wished he were. If you’d have asked Ryan, it was at that moment that Brendon went from yellow to orange, from orange to blue. Brendon was Ryan’s rainbow and he fucked another guy.

Like Brendon could read his mind, he spoke up out of the darkness. “Nothing will change that.”

Ryan dropped the box and his fork on the carpet and threw himself forward, hugging Brendon for the first time since he left, and tears fell down his face again. The only difference was the emotion behind them.

 

-

 

“Earlier, when you said you loved me?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t get my hopes up. Don’t not mean it.”

The mess was cleaned up, leaving the two just laying on the couch. Like every other time one of them needed comforting, Ryan was being held lightly in Brendon’s arms. Even after all this time, it didn’t feel foreign to either of them.

“Why did you fuck him?”

“I was sad and my cousin hooked me up.”

Brendon laughed. “Spencer did, really? From what you said, he sounds pretentious. And he hates Kid Rock.”

Ryan laughed sleepily, almost missing his cousin. “Spencer was the only person in that damn state that didn’t make me completely angry.”

“I guess that makes sense.”

“And Kid Rock sucks.”

“Too far.” Brendon laughed, pulling himself up to push Ryan off. “Banned until further notice. “

Ryan laughed at first. He laughed so hard he cried, until he was actually crying. No, he was sobbing. Brendon pulled him back into his arms, trying his best to calm him down.

“It was just a joke… Come on, Ryan, it’s okay!” Ryan just shook his head, choking on his breaths.

In between these sobs, barely a whisper, Ryan said: “I really want to die, Brendon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey i started this story with a lot of hope and i was so excited but I honestly lost it i am absolutely hopeless and i really dont want to show it in this story  
> like i have the ending planned and written out and it's happy i swear it is but i am very unhappy and that's why i haven't been working on this


	14. please read

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> going on a hiatus. just might be indefinite. read?

full offense i thought this was good but it's multichapter and has less hits than a shitty oneshot fic i did I Want To Give Up


	15. srry lol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whoops!

i hate this fic with all of my being i swear id rather die than remember it anyway  
the end:  
ok so they maybe have angry sex . fun fact. dallon? no clue where he went but he's stopped doing whatever he's doing. uhhhhh they end up working everything out kinda. for the most part. it's pete's fault ryan is blind BUT GUESS WHAT IT'S ACTUALLY BRENDON'S but pete was right there when it happened so ... they just kinda pinned the blame on him and they were kids so of course no charges would be pressed. anyway pete built a kind of empire selling ((???? ur choice here it's just called "the shop")) and that's where he gets money... n brendom was kinda blackmailing him to get the money to pay for Ryan's surgery yayyyy ryan wont be blind anymore blah blah blah filler filler filler its years later they actually make the appointment for the surgery bc it's a LOT of money and they're an actual couple who work their problems out together at this point! and they're at the doctor's (this part i had written all out ill post it later if i find it) and everything's fine the surgery's done and they come back later for whatever they need and they take the bandages off and Wow there's brendon right there on one knee which is the first thing ryan sees... amazing. he says yes btw lol. happily ever after! there's an epilogue where they just chill a few years after they get married and they're all cutesy and domestic and the last thing is them laying in bed and ryans half asleep and Brendon says something like "It was my fault" or "I had to fix what I had damaged" and that's it that's the end hope ur all satisfied


End file.
